Now what could you as a bona fide paid-up member of Gardeners Anonymous possibly want for Christmas? You already have the greatest hobby in the world; five trillion small plastic pots, and a jacket-pocket full of handy bits of twine. And yet perhaps there ARE one of two items for your Christmas list, that could help to take your mind off your endless contemplation of which hat to wear to Harry and Meghan’s wedding.
How about an ingenious device for locating the secateurs or trowel that you have yet again lost in the border? Having previously slapped a small homing device on said implement, you activate the Trowel-O-Find app on your phone, and a thin but insistent beep trills from under the mahonia bush or wherever. Job done.
My next suggestion will help aching-back misery at the end of a long, hard day. (One for the ladies here) -a Bespoke Service by Chris Beardshaw. No, no, not THAT – goodness me, what shocking minds you’ve all got – I meant that he will be waiting for you by your couch with hot towels and massage oil, as you wearily peel off your muddy togs. Ten minutes for a million quid, and an absolute snip.
My final suggestion involves some on-field respite therapy. Picture the scene. You have been bottom-up in the flower-beds for an hour or more, and each time you think you have cleared a further metre of ground, another dandelion rosette winks at you from behind a rosebush – you need a BREAK! You reach behind you and press a button on the knapsack on your back which rapidly inflates to a full-sized armchair with built-in drinks cabinet, including a thermos for chillier weather. Aaahhh! 20 minutes R and R amongst the birdsong, then you’re ready to tackle the weeds again without ever having to take your boots off. Merry Christmas!
All great ideas Elaine, I will alert Amazon to get on and get them into production. And their research and development team need to be considering these as well: – a system of micro chipping plants with their names when you buy them, then, when you have already forgotten what you planted two weeks later you simply switch on your second app ‘What the Hell is that Plant’ and wave it over the mystery object and up pops its name.
Or a small driverless wheelbarrow that follows you around by picking up your aura as you drift randomly from bed to bed pulling out thistles and dung weed. When full, you flick a switch and programme it to trundle down to the compost heap where it self tips and returns to you using its scent-seeking software.
The final item on my Christmas wish list is a chemical that you can add to your dogs food that will produce fluorescent poo that will start to pulsate and emit a warning (like a parking sensor in a car – the technology is already there) if you are about to kneel on it in your flower bed. All eminently achievable in today’s hi tech world. Caroline – what would you like for Christmas?
BLIMEY, I was about to talk about Sarah Raven’s sweet pea kit which I’ve put together for my sister-in-law’s Christmas present, but I now realise I was being FAR too sensible for my barmy sisters (but before I descend to their level, Sarah’s hemp webbing support thing for sweet peas does look hugely useful……Santa Darling.).
OK now I’m in the vibe – top of my list would be a thumping big, pop-up wall. Yes I’m shoulder to shoulder with Donald Trump on this one, and particularly one that someone else pays for, only it’s that relentless onshore wind I want to keep out, please see the state of my kaffir lilies (pictured below) for an explanation. Second on my list would be some sort of drone that hovers over flowerbeds and zaps a ground elder shoot as soon as it erupts – preferably accompanied by a satisfying incendiary ‘gotcha’ sound effect.
Thirdly, really, for my whole garden to behave like the Bonica rose I bought after Louise recommended it earlier in the year in her Great Plants this Month column. Like Strictly’s Debbie McGhee, just when you thought the dear old thing couldn’t possibly do any more, it puts out another stunning performance. A-MAZ-ING.